In your love, my love..

"Aur is dil me kya rakha hai.. tera hi dard chhupa rakha hai" 

The women doing their rehab at Sahara Women and Children Home sang along this old bollywood song today while weaving colorful bracelets. I was lucky to be finally included in a 'sharing' session with the 9-10 women after a month or so of my working here.

One of the clients (as they are called), Zaheen shared her story of how she got back to drugs after staying clean for 5 years. The 3 days of relapse, she counseled other clients, washed away all her efforts of building back her life after years of drug abuse. The reason was familiar to many of them - a man she loved, who didn't love her back enough. Zaheen cited her extreme anger for that man as the cause of the relapse, but I felt that helplessness and grief had their roles to play. Now she is calm, more sorted, and healing for a fresh battle to make something of her life.

Zaheen is one of the lucky ones, who understands the value of a good life, and possesses the will and strength of getting one for herself. A usual client's rehab process starts with a need to get away from the miseries of addiction, a lifeless, troublesome body and a life reduced to just procuring a 'fix'. The dream of building a good life is a distant one. Slowly, through the multiple cycles of rehabs and relapses, the ones who finally realize what they want to make out of their lives and are able to gather enough courage, are the ones who finally succeed in getting through sustainably.

As the discussion went forward, we talked about how women are so strong, but become so weak for the men we love. How come we give these men so much power to destroy us, finish us, again and again? Why do we let love make us, and then destroy us?

I found (lack of) love and acceptance as the general theme in all the stories of these mature women, be it from a man, family, kids or society. It makes them helpless, weak and vulnerable. These women's thoughts about love and men are not new to me, nor are their stories of betrayal and apathy. Then why? What is the difference between them and all the other women who have told me the same stories? Hoping to get some answers soon..

Part of the gang, finally!

Today, after a month of hanging around the rehab, talking, helping out, I finally felt accepted in the group of women! After all the preliminary information gathering, the next step in my learning curve is to hear detailed stories and thoughts of the addicts, first-hand. Before today, I had had conversations with a few of the women which I'd rather call interviews or small talk, than conversations. All I had been getting anyway were mechanical, half hearted or untruthful stories.

I understand that I am quite an outsider for these women: a non-addict, healthy, well-dressed, well-to-do, well educated and, happy. What do I have for them? They do not need another person learning about them, making case studies and then preaching them about something they know so much more about!

After days of patient bracelet making (as a part of constructive work therapy with the gang), listening, singing and infinite small-talking, today, after one month, the women finally asked me my name. Yes, my name after one month of seeing me, talking to me, teaching me bracelet making.

We talked about love and men, how men are idiots and how we are idiots for letting them hurt us. They were glad to know that I had had 'affairs' and had some experiential backing for the things I said! Men who hurt us, united us. I'm glad.

All in all, today was a big day for me. I don't feel like an outsider anymore. I hope this opening will lead to better conversations and relationships in the coming month!